i got off of work and ran down the street to meet cory for his first out patient dialysis appointment at nw kidney center. rainy, of course but a very warm night. i remember thinking to myself, i never thought i would be getting off of work to drive to nw kidney center for cory, anyone for that matter. i also prayed for a minute to my grandparents and as my friend melinda has been teaching me and stressing me to do is to use her meditation mantra of "nah mah ha", said to yourself usually or out loud, seems like i've been screaming it at times. it is to calm the nerves and essentially bring peace to your mind body and soul, which i feel the words do tend to soothe me when said to myself. i turned to park and realized also how things really do work out for a reason, even if the reason isn't readily available to you; it will in time show it's face. i applied for two separate jobs before i landed my promotion at south center, one about 45-60 minutes away and the other about the same in traffic, and now here i am 3 minutes away from nw kidney center, easily accessible for me so that i can be there to support him. if i was accepted for the other two jobs, i wouldn't be able to see him as quickly, even in an emergency the time it would take me would be far much longer. i am thankful for my job.
i walk to the front door, that opens similar to a grocery store sliding automatic door. as soon as you walk in you can smell that of a doctor's office. taupe in color with cold silver metal accents and very quiet, just the frantic beeping of some machines and the rolling of wheelchairs. i would say there were a total of 50+ dialysis seats, they looked like over sized recliners. you had your own television and two nurses to check you out. everyone knew each other and everyone came prepared. i used this example last night when talking to my best friend amber; you know when you go to the bingo hall the regulars bring their own dobbers and good luck charms, people do the same thing with dialysis, they come with 800 books, 3 pillows, their own personal bedding, snacks galore. i felt bad because cory wasn't as prepared as we could have gotten him.
he is just sitting there. i didn't get there until almost quarter past 5 and he was to be starting dialysis around 4. the most aggrivating thing about this entire fiasco is the amount of time he is wasting. not saying that dialysis is wasted time because without it he wouldn't be here but the fact that he has to be patient and wait for a chair, then sit in that chair for four hours every other day is exhausting just to think about. at first, i had a great mind set, i'll be here, i'll support you, we'll play games, you'll sleep, i'll talk you through it but then your motivation and constant positivity can't help but be overshadowed by the sick patients walking around, some have been on dialysis over 20 years and simply just constantly having to play the waiting game. i wasn't angry, i wasn't scared, i was upset and sad more then anything. he doesn't deserve to be there he doesn't deserve to have to sit and wait for a chair when he could be at home watching a movie, at work, or enjoying his life like every other 29 year old should. instead on a cold winter night, is sharing a room with 30 other perfect strangers, who actually share more in common than most, they just have never met.
the nurses were very nice, i of course had 800 different questions. of which they were kind enough to answer all of them and then some. i was whisked away for awhile until they attached the tubes up to his semi-perminent catheter and the blood cleaning began. the nurse tried to just calm my nerves, explain to me the different types of perminent lines he can have put in to his arm or belly to make life easier than what we had to go through last night. (i will get into those different options tomorrow on a more informational blog). i left half way through to go to zumba, to clear my mind. my family and friends keep stressing to me that if i am not healthy and taking care of myself and what i need to do on a daily basis then i am going to be no help to cory. which is true but like i said in the last couple of blogs, i have a very hard time leaving him, especially if he is alone. it is not fair. he deserves someone there by his side while he goes through most likely the hardest time in his life. before i left i just put my hands on his knees and just looked up at him, like a little kid and as usual, stared at him. i told him i was sorry and that it just wasn't fare for him to be here and endure all of this. he of course just smiled down at me and as he has said from day one, told me "i'm fine". this trip was different than the others because the nurse handed me a copy of an informational sheet that pointed out the different survival rates of all of the catheters, cory's is the worst. that is why we want it out of him as soon as possible. the reason being is that it is semi-perminent, meaning that the opening to which the catheter is connected to is very open to disease and germs feed on that area if it is wet, or not clean. that is why he needs a perminent line in that is less likely to be harmful. cory didn't end up getting home from dialysis until around 10-10:30 and we didn't get to bed until 11 or 12, your sleep patterns are so thrown off which end up messing up your work days the next day. i have never been so tired and i am not even the one going through it. we try to capitalize on any days off of any periods of time where sleep can be involved.
i don't know if he is reading this blog or realized how many people this story has touched but i just try to reiterate to him every day how amazing his strength and motivation is. there are times that i look at him and know he is hurting and other times i see him smile and i can't help but smile because that's all i want, is him to feel better and honestly, as selfish as this sounds, i need him to be healthy and do what needs to be done so that we all can enjoy his presence for as long as possible. as winnie the pooh once said, "if you live to 101 i want to live until 100 so that i don't have to live a day without you." that may not be quoted perfectly, but you get where i am coming from. i find myself wondering where i would be right now if we had never met and i am sure he thinks the same.
i have been getting plenty of e-mails with follow up questions and just comments and compliments about how well everyone is handling this situation and how much they enjoy the blog and i just love hearing that. i truly enjoy taking the time out of my day to talk about it and hope that everyone will stay connected not just through this but continue to check in with cory as he has quite a long road ahead.
tomorrow i will follow up with the different types of dialysis cory is looking into and when he will make that final decision. i'll tell you it will definitely be sooner than later that he is able to give himself his own shot and do dialysis at home in his sleep. stay tuned!
much love.
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